[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Uh, no. She just left.
Oh. Well, let me see if I can catch her.
Hey, Maya! It's your office!
MAYA: What do they want?
Can I tell her what this is about?
Oh, okay.
They want to change the title of your article!
To what?
"I Don't Need Large Breasts to Be a Real Woman"!
What?
"I Don't Need Large Breasts to Be a Real Woman"!
What?
"I Don't Need Large Breasts to Be a Woman"!
MAN: Shut up, you freak!
Can I take a message?
[***]
Secretary's Day.
Ah.
Yeah.
Last year I forgot to get her something.
I had to listen to her squawk about it for a week.
Tell me about it. Wah, wah, wah.
What did you get your gal?
Uh, she likes jams.
Hey, if it makes 'em feel like more than an answering machine
for one day a year,
let 'em dream.
Ha ha ha. Indeed.
Hi, Dennis.
Hi, Doris.
Happy Secretary's Day.
Shh.
Dennis.
Happy Secretary's Day.
Hmm.
Maybe Jack will get you
an assortment of jams.
Dennis loves jams.
Aw, that was sweet.
Look what somebody did for me.
You know, it's crooked on this side, though.
Finchy, Finchy, Finchy,
that's no way
to kick off Secretary's Day.
Well, hey, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Oh, there's lavender potpourri
and some bath beads
and a loofah sponge,
and you can save the basket
for your knitting.
Thanks.
Maybe on Overrated Photographer's Day,
I'll buy you a chamois for your head.
I'm not a secretary.
Hey, hey, I'm confused.
Don't you file
and answer the phones and type letters?
What's your point?
You're not an astronaut.
Yeah, well,
take a letter, Maria.
I'm not a secretary, either.
Finchy, my boy,
let me be the first to say Happy Secretary's Day.
Here's 50 bucks.
Go out and get yourself
some of those jams you like so much.
Ooh, kind of makes you feel
like beating him with your loofah.
It's a toaster, Nina.
You'd know that
if you ever ate anything.
I'm thinking about getting a face lift.
Oh, well, then at least get a second opinion
from the blender.
Dr. Lowell Fisher,
the most prominent plastic surgeon
on the Upper East Side,
is giving me a free procedure
for referring
all of these models to him over the years.
Because of me,
he's raised more asses than the Queen of England.
Nina, you're so beautiful.
You don't need anything.
Elliott, please help me decide.
Now, I definitely don't need a nose job.
No. Your nose is perfect.
Maybe a boob job.
Large breasts seem to be back in
this season.
Yeah.
Frankly, I'll never understand why they went out.
No need for a tummy tuck.
Thanks to my smoker's cough,
my stomach muscles are ripped.
Why don't you get your arches removed?
I understand flat feet are all the rage in Europe.
All right, all right, all right.
All right.
Pull back your face and hold it.
Okay.
Now, let's see what your lips would look like with collagen.
All right, now give me an eyebrow lift.
That's perfect.
Now, don't move a muscle. I'll go get my camera.
Okey-dokey.
Elliott said you wanted to see me.
Jack, I need to ask you about something.
There you are.
Did you finish with the stats
for the ad meeting?
Well, yeah, they're right here,
but first I have to talk to you about--
And I can't find
my speech to the publishers.
It's in your computer.
Here you are.
It's in a folder labeled--
now follow me--
"Speech to the Publishers."
Computers.
Yeah.
Scary at first,
but you'll get used to it,
just like fire.
Anyway, I have to talk to you.
Uh, maybe later.
Make an appointment with yourself.
I can't wait. I have to know.
Do you think of me as an ordinary secretary?
No, I don't.
I think of you
as the world's greatest secretary,
just like on that mug I got you last year.
That's what I thought.
Once a year I get this harsh reminder
that everyone around this magazine
thinks of me as a complete loser.
If you're talking about that fly ball
at the company softball game,
no one blames you.
I'm not.
I'm talking about everyone around here
thinking I'm nothing but a secretary.
Who cares what people think?
In the words of my father,
"the only job to be ashamed of
is a job poorly done."
And what did he do for a living?
He printed signs
with inspirational messages.
Anyway,
I'm glad we had this little talk,
and remember,
you're never fully dressed
without a smile.
Well, that's cute,
but you're not listening--
Oh, there you are.
Someone tore down your little sign.
There. That's better.
Happy Secretary's Day!
Yay!
What's wrong?
I got a bad case
of screw- this-place-itis.
Oh, no.
Did he forget Secretary's Day?
Because he used to forget my birthday all the time,
but if I let that bother me, do you know what I'd be now?
A neurotic overachiever
who pounds Skittles by the fistful?
Where are you going?
The zoo.
Okay, don't tell me.
I'm only trying to be nice because--
What? I didn't eat breakfast.
Not on this disk either.
Where the hell
did he put the marketing report?
Finch, this is Maya again.
We need you now.
Damn it. I hope he's happy.
Hey, I hope you're happy.
What's that supposed to mean?
He came to you with a problem.
Did you help him?
Yes.
I thought he left here rather inspired.
Oh, Lord. You quoted Grandpa.
Dad...
Finch was really upset.
You have to start listening to people.
Hey, I listen.
"I'm upset,
something, something, blah-de-blah-de-blah."
Jack, here's the mock-up for that lipstick piece.
You got a building permit for those?
Don't you just love 'em?
They say, "Here I am."
Actually, they say, "Moo.
I hope some frat guy doesn't tip me over."
Oh, relax.
They're just on loan.
From who? Jessica Rabbit?
No. From my plastic surgeon to see what size I want,
a sort of test drive, if you will.
Nina, don't do it.
I once did a news report
on the dangers of plastic surgery,
and do you know what the statistics say?
Yes.
That nine out of 10 men prefer women with big boobs.
And the 10th guy preferred
the nine other men.
Damn.
Finch locked the program.
Every time I try to open a file,
some guy with pointy ears pops up
and shakes his head no.
Let's think.
If you were Finch, where would you go?
Maybe he's curled up in Nina's bra.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
What is it?
Oh, hi, honey.
Turn on Channel 4.
Nina,
I'm gonna have the TV station
send over the tape.
The number of botched nose jobs alone--
Nose job?
I'll have you know
that Mick Jagger once told me
my nose was perfect.
What the hell does he know?
Look at the man's lips.
Officials at the Bronx Zoo still have no explanation
as to how a man fell 12 feet into the gorilla pit.
Now, as you can see here, the unidentified man
appears to have awoken the maternal instincts in Mona,
a 400-pound lowland gorilla.
Oh, my God. It's Finch.
NEWS ANCHOR: We'll keep you posted on the continuing efforts
to rescue this obviously terrified man.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Would it kill someone to answer my phone?
Hello.
No, he's not here.
No, I don't know if he's signed a TV movie deal.
Yes, I'll tell him
you co-produced Baby Down the Well.
Hello, nobodies.
Here I am,
as seen on TV.
Oh, my gosh. Finch, are you all right?
Please.
I've had enough contact with dominant females.
Yes, but unlike the gorilla,
I won't be giving you a tongue bath.
Oh.
I saw you on the news with that gorilla.
How'd you fall in?
Well, as I told Channels 2, 4, and 7,
I was saving a toddler
who was perched on the rail.
Really?
My cousin works at the zoo.
He said
you were running from a peacock.
A, I was jogging,
B, your cousin's a liar,
and C,
some peacocks are poisonous.
Come on, Nikki, let's go eat.
No. I want to hear what happened.
Oh!
Why's it so dark over there, Elliott?
That's right.
The spotlight's on me.
Hello.
Say something nice.
See what happens
when you walk out in the middle of a work day?
Yes.
The Banana Council offers you
three times your salary
to be their spokesman.
Wow. That's great. Isn't it, Dad?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Yes, we're all very impressed you fell into the monkey pit...
but I don't want to keep you from your your work.
Mm. Ow.
Sorry, can't. Doctor's orders.
I think it would be wise for you to pick up my phone.
Hmm. Says you.
You see, Jack, I would.
It's just, I'm not sure
I still want to be a "secretary" anymore.
You're making a mistake.
This monkey thing is not going to last.
Hello.
It's Jay Leno.
Oh!
Some people rise to sudden fame.
My next guest fell there.
I'm sure you've heard about this.
This has been in all the papers and everything.
Please welcome the Gorilla Man of New York,
Dennis Finch.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hi, Dennis.
All right.
Hi, how are you? Good to see you.
So thanks for coming on the show, Dennis.
Hey, well, uh, thanks for having me.
Howdy, Crystal.
It's great to be sitting
between my favorite talk show host
and, uh, TV's foxiest waitress.
Wouldn't you like to have...
have her as a waitress, folks?
Huh?
I would.
Actually, um,
I don't play a waitress.
I play the owner
of an airport luncheonette.
Oh.
Do you serve the food?
Do you bus the tables?
Slice the pie?
Wake up and smell the biscuits, Flo.
You're a waitress!
Okay...
Kiss my grits.
Uh, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.
I understand, uh,
you were saving a toddler
when you, uh, took the tumble.
Why don't you tell us about it? Oh.
That's right, Jay.
I think I know where this is going,
and I don't think of myself as a hero.
That's a strong word.
I don't know about that.
Some of these folks might disagree. Am I right?
You save a kid, you're a hero. [APPLAUSE]
Sure.
You're very kind.
You know, it's hard to explain the emotions
whirling through my head
when I was in that cage.
Mm-hmm. I'll tell you this.
Apes are profoundly misunderstood, you know.
I don't know if you saw Congo.
Uh, well...
Well, why don't we show the footage
and maybe explain
what's going on here, okay? Sure.
Now, you've fallen in the cage here, right?
That's the gorilla standing over you.
You're unconscious.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
I'm pretending to be unconscious.
Pretending?
Yeah, well, in the animal kingdom,
eye contact is considered
an act of aggression.
Like the streets of New York. Same kind of thing.
Exactly.
Now, what's happening here?
What is she doing to you here? Uh, well...
I guess
she's cradling and stroking me.
Usually don't do that on the first date.
I'm a little bit of a prude.
All right, fine.
Oh, now here I guess
you stopped pretending that you're unconscious.
Very convincing.
Actually, you look upset.
What are you saying to her?
Oh, no, no, I'm not-- You look very upset.
I'm not scared.
I, uh...
I'm just giving her a...
I'm trying to communicate with her,
uh, with clicks and grunts.
It's... It's hard to explain.
They understand
if you're willing to teach them.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I guess you're doing your tearful goodbyes here.
Is that what's happening?
I... I don't know what was going on there,
but yeah, I think
we both made a good friend that day.
Well, I'll tell you something, you know.
Our staff did a little digging,
and this whole incident
happened on Secretary's Day,
and, of course, you being a secretary,
didn't get a chance to celebrate, right?
That's not a problem, Jay.
This is what we did.
We here at The Tonight Show
have put together a little something for you.
Well, that's honestly not necessary.
No, no, no, no.
Anything we can do to make up for your awful Secretary's Day.
I'm not kidding around.
Hey, and neither are we.
Come on out!
[APPLAUSE]
I'm not a damn secretary, people!
Honey, do you file
and answer phones and get coffee?
I know where you're going with this--
Well, you're not an astronaut.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
Go back to Idaho!
Okay...
What?
Yeah.
Anybody want a taste
of what I gave that dancing gorilla?
I didn't think so.
Hey, Finch,
I'm glad to see you.
Come here.
Come on, come here.
You know,
for whatever it's worth,
when I was in the fourth grade,
I played the king in my school play,
and I got so nervous that I started to cry
right in the middle of my fight scene.
So?
So thank God it wasn't televised.
You're back.
I am back.
I'll be in meetings all day.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah.
The news story...
I did on plastic surgery just arrived.
I hope you have a strong stomach.
Maya, why are you so obsessed with this?
Just sit and watch the tape.
Oh, oh, I get it.
I know what this is about.
You just want to have
the biggest breasts in the office.
Curses.
You've caught on to my evil plot
to use my bosoms
to take over this magazine
and one day the world.
Go ahead. Make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
I just want to help you.
Oh, all right,
I'll watch it,
but it's not gonna do any good.
Could you two wait outside?
Hello.
I was just...
Let me get out of your way.
No, no, no. You're fine.
I just came to pick something up,
and, uh...
I'm out of here.
Good night.
You know...
it's gonna be hell to catch a cab right now.
Maybe I'll have a drink.
Want one?
Sure. Piņa colada.
Whatever you're having.
Man, I love scotch,
and not just the taste.
I mean the ritual.
Pouring it into the perfect glass.
Letting the ice melt just enough.
[ICE CLINKING]
Listen to that sound.
I love scotch almost as much as I love cigars.
Man, I love cigars.
The way they smell--
You know what I love?
When the rambling ends.
Fair enough.
Cheers.
What a lousy day.
One meeting after another.
Sometimes it all seems so...
meaningless.
Gosh.
I guess your job is as bad as mine.
I think we've both learned a valuable lesson here.
You know all my tricks, don't you?
Tell me something.
How long have you been with me?
Eight years.
No kidding.
That's longer than any of my marriages.
Yeah, but I bet they got more money off you.
Ha!
I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but you wouldn't understand.
In this town, you are your job,
and I'm about an inch away from wearing a hair net.
You know what?
Forget about it.
I'll be here tomorrow.
I'll be fine.
Dennis, hang on a second.
You know, I've been thinking.
What if you were a Vice President
of Blush magazine?
Don't toy with me, Jack.
I'm very vulnerable right now.
No. I'm serious.
Effective immediately,
you're the new Vice President
of Section 4.
Congratulations.
What's Section 4?
That would be your desk...
but on your business cards,
it's gonna say, "Dennis Finch, Vice President."
Can I put out a memo?
Sure.
Can I get a sign for my desk?
Why not?
Can I get a secretary?
No.
I can live with that.
To my new VP.
May I live to be 100.
[LAUGHS]
Whoo-hoo!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
What the hell are you doing?
That's Waterford.
I'll get a dustpan.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
[TV TURNS OFF]
Pretty gruesome, huh?
I just wish I'd had pie with lunch,
because I think I'm gonna barf.
Nina...
there's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you are.
Well, maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
You're perfect.
Listen up, everybody.
Blush magazine has a new Vice President.
Better stay out of his way, because he's a real badass.
Hey, Maya,
guess who's a new Vice President.
NINA: Ow! My nose!
Ooh, we'll celebrate later.
[***]
* Life keeps bringin' me Back to you *
* Keeps me bringin' me home *
* It don't matter What I want to do *
* 'Cause it's got A mind of its own *
* Life keeps bringin' me Back to you **